October is almost always a struggle for me.
I love and hate fall.
Love: The comfy hoodies and jeans. The beautiful colors. Cool, brisk walks.
Hate: why is it always so dark. I already miss the sun.
October holds some person "demons" for me too that are to private to share in here but just leaves me a little down.
So I skip workouts. I eat my feelings. I eat more than my feelings.
Back to reflecting.... 45 seems so much older than 44. Is it because I am also facing my on,y child turning 18., graduating, making so many "big people" decisions?
Because I figure I am living to about 90 this makes me middle aged.
The song "My Next 30 Years" came to mind as I was driving home.
Especially this verse
My next thirty years I'm gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I'm doin' here in my next thirty years
https://g.co/kgs/4tMEXX
I still let other people's needs come before me. I have to be okay with putting myself first. I have started letting go of some toxic people but sometimes it is so hard. I have to treat this body better because I need it to carry me through this next 30+ years.
But I am so thankful for these first 45 years. Even the bad years have helped make me the strong person I am. And I am blessed! I have a job I love (ok, most days I love it but it is a little intense) and a boss I respect. I have a great tight group of true friends and some I have never even met in real life but I know they have my back. I am stronger mentally and physically than ever. I have achieved things that "negative voice in my head" and even some real people in life said I would. And I have the MOST AMAZING KID!
So here, on the eve of my 45th year, I sit happy with me. And each year I hope to continue to make me an even better Monica!
For your entertainment, here is a picture of my adorable kid amend me about 40 years ago!
