Self-care? Haha! What the heck is that right?

Felt compelled to “chat”on this tonight. Too much for a Facebook status for sure.

I suck at self-care.  I suspect many of the people who take the time to read this suck at it too!

 Do you practice self-care?  Do you do it well?  Do you care for you as well as you care for yourself?


(For the dirty minded friends of mine- no....not that)

Simply put it is taking care of one’s self- mind, body, and emotionally/spiritually.

It is putting yourself first sometimes.  Often we are so busy working, caring for others, and worrying about everyone else we forget about self-care.  If you are like me...  you feel guilty about it.

I struggle with my weight.  No suprise right?  Kinda the whole message I founded this blog on right? I surround myself with a great team and have lots of tools at my disposal to help me.  But all of this does nothing if I ignore it.  My failure to practice self-care is a big hurdle to a healthy weight.

Case in point- each month I pay for one of those “Massage a month plans”.  Pretty much every health care provider and my trainer will explain the benefits of Massage....especially if you are like me and like to form trigger points and don’t like to foam roll.  I froze it 3 months ago to “catch-up” because I had 9 unused.  Well, it unfroze and still had 5.  I use up 2 at a time and still can’t seem to take 90 minutes and all I have to do is pay the tip and lay there.

So today I went.... the very nice lady finishes with me and brings up self-care.  Was she trying to sell me on coming in more?  Nope-  I need to stretch more, let go of my stress more, and DRINK MORE WATER.  She was so glad I did a 80 minute hot stone because everything was so tight and knotty.

I work too much sometimes.  I let worrying about things beyond my control chew me up.  I either eat my stress or try to pound it out in the gym.  Or both.  I don’t sleep enough.  Many days I drink more coffee than water.  I do not listen to the little signals my body gives me so it has to send MUCH less subtle ones...  spike in resting heart rate, illogical jump in the weight and swelling, increased pain, joints so stiff and painful walking down stairs is hard, migraines, inability to concentrate, becoming a very crabby witch.

Now- working out is a form of self-care.  But not when you push hard through workouts when you see the warning signs of fatigue and keep pushing.

So.... I am going to work on being better.  Hopefully some of you will too?

What are my plans?e

• Learn it is ok to say “no” and not feel guilty (this is a hard one)
• Stop feeling like it is my job to take care of everyone
• Drink more water- goal is 110 ounces a day (take your weight and divide by 2 for approx rule of thumb...  being 224 pounds means I need to drink a lot)
• Go to bed on time
• Stretch at least 10 minutes a day
• Meditate 10 minutes a day (not including the yoga nidra for sleep)
• Log my food 5 days a week
• Workout 5 days per week but respect the workout and not use it to punish myself 

Hopefully this resonates with some of you and you take time to make yourself as important as everyone else you take care of.

Goals- Why is it so TOUGH?

Each year, my employer had had a wellness incentive to lose weight if your BMI is above the recommendation.  $200 on the line and every year, I failed.

This year is the last one for us HMO members.  I was bound and determined to get it.  I danced around the number and then bounce up again.  (Self-sabotage much.)

So.....the past 2 weeks I buckled down on exercise and really focused on my macros and nutrition.

Needed to lose 10 pounds total for the year and was 4 pounds short 2 weeks ago.

Weigh-in was today and YES! I did it.  Dropped 11 pounds actually! (So 5 pounds in 2 weeks.)

Looking at my report.... it reminds me 4 years ago I was 5 pounds less than today.

Conversation with my personal trainer over chat today that I now want to hit THAT again.  He reminded me if I could drop 5 in two weeks, I can drop more-that I need to just not “eat my feelings”.  He is so DAMN RIGHT.

So, did I celebrate with the pizza I had planned it I met goal? Nope- went w a healthier option but still the same flavors.

Zucchini, mushrooms, onions, green peppers as the base, pasta sauce w Italian sausage and 1 serving of Italian cheese sprinkled over it.

So here is to the next goal or as my PCP calls it- my next summit.

Hoping to hit it by 2-5-17! 

My "Next 30 years" (Or hopefully many more than that)

So I sit here tonight pondering my birthday tomorrow.  Holy crap- I am turning 45.

October is almost always a struggle for me.

I love and hate fall.

Love: The comfy hoodies and jeans.  The beautiful colors.  Cool, brisk walks.
Hate: why is it always so dark.  I already miss the sun.

October holds some person "demons" for me too that are to private to share in here but just leaves me a little down.

So I skip workouts.  I eat my feelings.  I eat more than my feelings.

Back to reflecting.... 45 seems so much older than 44.  Is it because I am also facing my on,y child turning 18., graduating, making so many "big people" decisions?

Because I figure I am living to about 90 this makes me middle aged.

The song "My Next 30 Years" came to mind as I was driving home.

Especially this verse

My next thirty years I'm gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I'm doin' here in my next thirty years

https://g.co/kgs/4tMEXX

I still let other people's needs come before me.  I have to be okay with putting myself first.  I have started letting go of some toxic people but sometimes it is so hard.  I have to treat this body better because I need it to carry me through this next 30+ years.

But I am so thankful for these first 45 years.  Even the bad years have helped make me the strong person I am.  And I am blessed!  I have a job I love (ok, most days I love it but it is a little intense) and a boss I respect.  I have a great tight group of true friends and some I have never even met in real life but I know they have my back.  I am stronger mentally and physically than ever.  I have achieved things that "negative voice in my head" and even some real people in life said I would.  And I have the MOST AMAZING KID!

So here, on the eve of my 45th year, I sit happy with me.  And each year I hope to continue to make me an even better Monica!

For your entertainment, here is a picture of my adorable kid amend me about 40 years ago!

Fort2Base-I stand with our Military

Today was probably my favorite "Annual" race.  Fort2Base 3 NM (which means 3.4 miles).

Why do I love this race?  Aside from the fact it is the best run, most organized race I do?

This race is held each year on the Great Lakes Naval Base which is our nation's Boot Camp for the Navy.  They have troops from all branches serving.  

When you stand at 7am watching the flag raised on a base, you cannot help be proud.  To see officers and enlisted come out to cheer us on.  The sheer POLITENESS of every single member of the military you meet.

There are a lot of current, retired and disabled personnel out running with you.

Shortly after we start, a group of Navy personnel come out running to cadence.  They always catch me.  I run with them as long as I can and my pace peters out and I watch them pass.  It is an amazing sight.

This year the Navy stepped up their game and the water stops were a sight to behold.  We have some VERY fine looking people serving.

You come around turns and see amazing views of Lake Michigan.

There is one amazing downhill where I feel like I am able to truly be a RUNNER! (8:47 pace). About a mile later there is a HELL Hill that keeps me humble.

At the finish you receive your medal from on officer from the military, in full dress whites or blues.

They are all around to take pictures too.  And don't complain your all sweaty.  And stinking up their dress uniforms.  (And lean down because he was CRAZY tall!)

I thanked every service member I passed for their service and every volunteer.

I may not be fast.  I may not ever be able to handle the 10NM.  But until I can't do it, I will be doing this each year.

Reps, Rowing, Run, Rinse and Repeat!

So, the past 6 weeks have been a crazy busy time for me fitness-wise.

Finished a 60 day challenge at the gym with a 15 pound weight loss and 7% reduction in body fat and maintained muscle mass.  Kinda beat up my body the last 3 weeks and the scale (up 4 pounds again) and my pain level shows it (more on that later....let us just say July is kicking my ass).  But still super excited with the progress.

So... what did July bring?

July 3rd- Kayaking for the first time.  It was really great for about 75% of the trip.  Knocked out of the kayak by tree debris twice, got it righted and back in twice.  The 2nd time was when our group hit a strainer.  In addition to knocking me out, it also resulted in 4 of our group of 6 losing their kayaks. Spent a bit longer than I was comfortable with alone on the river and worried about the rest of the group.  Thankfully everyone remained calm, the Fire and Rescue launched boats and all was safe.  (4 kayaks lost but all humans were unharmed.)

July 4th- underfueled and probably dehydrated I ran for the first time in over 6 months.  8k or for you non-metric people it was 5 miles.  This showed where all my lifting and rowing has changed my body!  Had my first sub-14 minute mile and PR'd the course by almost a minute from the previous time.

Had to take most of that week off as the kayaking (kayaks fill with a lot of VERY heavy water when the flip....righting and emptying is a lot of work).  Did some light cardio and rowed a 5k.  Wishing I could run as fast as I row.

Had a crazy week after that that should have been about fueling and hydrating for the next run.  Well, as we all know life does not follow your plans and I worked too much, ate off my plan and did not drink enough.

7-16 was running again.  4.5 hours of sleep.  Underhydrated (anyone sense a theme).  But did the Rock N Roll Chicago 10k.  Thankfully the weather Gods were kind and it was upper 70's and moderate humidity.  The years before it was hot and humid as hell.  The knee told me after the first mile it was NOT going to let me hit the pace I wanted so instead slowed a bit and took a few pics and got the knee and leg to calm down and moved on.  Pace ended up 15:30 per mile average and 2 minutes faster than last year.

This week nutrition was bad, either under or overeating and hydration was not back on track til Thursday.

What have I learned through all this?

Kayaking is awesome!  Until the rain slows I will likely stick to lakes but definitely will do it again.

You can train to race and have a decent pace without running at all in training.  My cardio is pretty much all rowing and doing HIIT (weights while keeping reps and exercise mix enough to keep heart rate elevated.)

My knee/quad really are not fans of running but can handle speed walking so if the weather cooperates will start trying to get some land miles in to work on improving the short stride method as it helps protect my knee.

I don't miss running in my training but I miss racing.  This means I will probably keep running 2-3 races a year that have meaning to me but space them at least 4 weeks apart to allow better recovery.

Most importantly?  I really a learning to love my body and what it can do!  I am hitting weights in the gym that are amazing to me.

Had a discussion with someone on "if you didn't need to work for a living what would you do?"
It took me a while and it came to me.  I would want to help train and inspire those "like me".  To be able to offer free or low cost training to my fellow Chubby girls and help them find the workouts and food to help them live their healthiest life.  Skinny is not a goal.  Fit, healthy and strong is.

Now to just win the lottery.

Riding the Struggle Bus

Phew, it has been a bit again.

Today I am feeling in a little funk and needed to get some thoughts out so here I am.

The knee/quad are still a struggle but finding a few tools that help. Using a mix "traditional" medicine in regards to anti-inflammatories and Physical Therapy but also some non-traditional methods too.  

These include Young Living Essential Oils, Fascial Stretch/Release Massage and Yin Yoga.  The oils help with pain relief.  The FST and Yin Yoga help to address the crazy, unexplained tightness/muscle imbalances I have.  

Swimming is still an evolving tool.  3 months of lessons and I no longer appear to be drowning but now it is just spending more time in the water and getting my breathing down.  Taking a break on lessons for a while.

P.T. got me over the hump with a lot of deep work on the quad and reassuring me I was not a big Whitney baby lol.  Have some nice techniques I can use for the knee and quad myself now.

FST is a HUGE tool for me.  My body likes to make scar tissue and my muscles like to be "knotty". FST is different than "normal" massage as it works to release the fascia on a deeper level and has really helped to get things looser.

Yin Yoga is a different type of yoga that works to stretch the fascia and helps,support the "hands-on" work my FST therapist does.

I also realized w the need to "modify" my workouts it is time to spend time back with my personal trainer.  We are looking to fine tune workouts and nutrition to get me back in track.  

My clothes show the 5 pounds.  My work pants are approaching the "hobo" look of being to big.  Wore a dress to work twice this week and because they "fit" people really noticed the changes I have made.

So, why the title "riding the struggle bus".  Because my brain is fixated on my weight and Body Fat%.  For the past 3 weeks I have been back on track w food and exercise.  Could my macro mix be better?  Yes but 100x better than before and my workouts have been much more consistent.  The result?  The first week was great-4 pounds,  second week only 1 pound, this week..a measly 0.2. Body Fat% on my home scale is only down 0.5% overall.

If you ever watched the Biggest Loser or those other shows it is usually week 3 when the body freaks out and stalls or shows a gain.

Knowing this isn't helping.  It is messing w my head and from experience I know I need to stay the course.  I know from looking at my metrics from this week my body was not in a good phase last week.  Pain was up a little and resting heart rate went from 64-65 to 71. Stress was high which intellectually I know them affects my pain levels, recovery post workout and sleep.  But it still sucks.  RHR is back down to 67 today.  

Fun new tool? The scale at the gym- it goes beyond just regular body fat and does more of a full body scan and also provides where you should look to change your body comp.  Not surprising is the need to lose body fat. The nice thing is the # of pounds it recommends.  55 pounds of fat.  That is about in line with where I set my goal.  The magic scale feels my lean body mass is spot on. This was a nice validation.  Will be fun to watch how the numbers shift over time and the difference in my Wednesday post-workout numbers and my Saturday AM pre-workout Numbers.



Shout outs to the great team who have been behind me and keep pushing me forward:

Becky Wilson, FST3, LMT at 2XL Body Works (https://www.facebook.com/pg/2XLBodyWorks/about/)-
AJ Aguilar at Lifetime Fitness-Schaumburg 
Yin Yoga with Sue at Lifetime Fitness-Algonquin
Laurie Hill, PT Advocate Sherman-Streamwood
Dr. Enrique Saguil, MD AMG Bartlett


If you want to know more about how I am using Young Living Essential Oils -send me a message.  I am a distributor and have an amazing team of ladies supporting me there too!

Letting go....

It has been too long since I wrote on here and tonight I just felt like I needed to get this out of my head and be at peace with my body.

If you are friends with my in real,life or follow my FB page, you have seen I have been struggling.  Struggling w running, with pain, with feeling like I was moving backwards and fighting my body every step of the way.

And I have been....  for years I have worked at being a runner, at losing weight, and getting farther from when I loved my workouts.

I have a great team around me.  Not just family and friends but a great MD and recently found an amazing massage therapist (which is an understatement of what she does- fascial release is way beyond massage).  Through work I a trying a weight loss program.

I have had insane pain in my right leg. The more I tried to work through it the worse it got.  MRI ordered to look at what is going on found an answer I wasn't expecting. Apparently, my right knee cap has pretty significant arthritis.

That means that one day it will need at least a partial replacement.  If I modify things, I can li,rly put it off many years and only need a partial.  If I keep running, biking, beating up that knee I will need it sooner and possibly a total instead of a partial.

When talking to someone about it I said even though I truly sucked at runnning I felt like a failure giving it up.  She asked why it was so important to me if I didn't enjoy it, was not good at it, it had already put my under the knife once and would put me there faster.  I tried to explain and I couldn't.  Because she was right. I enjoy lifting, I am pretty decent at it and my body responds to it.  Running and biking really hurt.  Running never felt natural.

But, the there is Brody.  My iRun4 buddy.  If I don't run there are no medals to send.  Will he be sad? (I know he won't be nor will his family but it weighs a little.)

And running seems like it should be the most natural thing to do.  But for me it isn't.

So, I think I am finally at peace with this and letting go.  I have to honor this body that has carried me through 44 years so far and hopefully will carry me at least 44 more.

I am getting back to basics.  Back to lifting,  modifying things that hurt, finding things that don't.

My early trainers tried to teach me this lesson.  That feeling uncomfortable is ok.  Pain is not.  Pain is your body telling to to stop and listen. I forgot it for a while but I am getting back there. Ian and AJ.... I know better.  (Haha and now I have a legit reason not to jump!)

So,what is my point in all this?  Hoping that if you are reading this and your feeling like what you are doing is hurting, true pain-- STOP and find something else.  Find a team to help you learn what is going on and what is a better choice for your body.  And let go of what your head "thinks" you should do and listen to what your body is trying to tell you.